Analysis

Unterseite

It’s not so much a “depression,” this thing. It’s more of a directly descending vertical shaft. The bottom of which finds me curled up, pale naked skin torn and earth-stained, dirty-nailed fists full of jet black dirt.

Exquisite.

But I understand that this pit… this “depression”… is nothing more than my own lack of understanding. At some point, I will have successfully navigated the Scylla & Charybdis of what I want, and what actually is. And when that has happened, I will remain. Stronger. Smarter. Scarred-er. Dirtier-nailed.

I gain as much truth from these Black Winter Pits as I do from those Bright Summer Peaks. And I have seen many of both. And all points in-between. But now, I churn through the bleak truths down here at the bottom; claws peeling up more wet earth, eyes blind, mouth mute as the worms. I dig.

And I dig it.

In this wet dirt, I’ll weave my usual cocoon. Drink the pre-drank water. Eat the slime and snails. No too-cold porridge here. No too-hard beds. Not a time for mental crutches. Preferences. There is what is, and that’s it.

No beautiful butterfly will emerge, of course… just a tattered, reiterated me. And that’s all I want. And that’s all that is.

But until that bright moment, I am digging, weaving… and drowning in worms.

Post Script — This writing is years old, but no less relevant. However, it is not something that is happening now; just… informational. We all have our pits and our peaks. And we all approach them differently. Some together. Some alone. Some need to engaged with help, others need to be endured alone.

But it is always important to remember that both the peaks and the pits are just obstacles on the path. And though we may toil over and out of both, none of them are meant to be the end of who we are or where we are going.

I feel that one reason I may truly bathe in the light, is because I have drowned in the darkness.

Yet I am still here.

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clluelo
Member

Wow .i was almost booking my flight ..not sure to where ..but I would be there

Recon 6
Guest

Right there witcha…6

clluelo
Member

Of course you would be there, you are a special
Person 6

Miche
Member
Miche

Navigating “the Scylla & Charybdis of what I want, and what actually is.” You have a powerful way of re-framing painful life experiences, my friend. I spent a long time obsessed with obstacles, even after I so painfully navigated under, around, and through them (sometimes more than once). For years I thought I was entitled to an obstacle-free path (like everyone else), or at least one with microscopic obstacles I could easily defeat, or even ignore. Every now and then I could look back across the years and–instead of bitterness over unfair obstacles (how come *I* was the only one??)–for… Read more »

Susan B
Member

Liked your comment.

Miche
Member
Miche

Hahaha…you’re so cute. I love that you just do an end run around the technical difficulties. Liked your comment, too. <3

shooten1st
Member
shooten1st

If you click on the two buttons below your reply before you post, you’ll get an email about any activity. Including “likes”.

Susan B
Member

I do, Mason. But…I don’t get the emails. 🙁 I do get emails with the new articles, just nothing about posts or likes. Alex is working on it with me.

Susan B
Member

Darn…I did it again. I mean Shooten. I’m tired. Sorry, long day. I also miss the edit part like we had with Disqus. Sigh.

shooten1st
Member
shooten1st

No worries. It didn’t work for me this time.

Susan B
Member

😀

JoniS
Guest
JoniS

“Stronger but more aware of weakness.”

Kindred spirits….

Miche
Member
Miche

Missed those kindred spirit moments, connecting with you over the good-hard things. 🙂

JoniS
Guest
JoniS

Same here.

Mason
Member
Mason

“A reiterated me”, a survivor. I don’t think surviving generates butterfly’s, but something more profound and beautiful anyway. Thanks Theo, for the glimpse, into your survival.

Susan B
Member

I think that when we reach the other side of those truly dark journeys that we achieve the most growth in so many areas. The heights are heady…but it is the journey down into the darkness and back up into sunlight that gives more meaning to our existence. It helps to have someone sharing the struggle with you without complaining, though. 🙂 As you seem to continue to do, Ody, you provoked us to view our own journeys in your context.

JoniS
Guest
JoniS

I often wish I was still ignorant about certain events in my life. Wishing they had stayed buried left for dead. But ignorance is only a temporary bliss. Eventually your ignorance is revealed like a tsunami whether you want it or not. In that inital moment that “new knowledge” may drag you to the bottom of the ocean and back a few times leaving you gasping for air and torn from the journey. Your mind flooded with events you long ago buried and suddenly your out in the ocean with no raft. But in your quest for air, you eventually… Read more »

susanh
Member
susanh

Powerful stuff, Ody.

Mic-Mac
Member
Mic-Mac

Theo,
That is genuinely one of the most potent writings of personal struggle and survival that I have ever read. Without getting into detail, I have been there more than once, and feel lucky to be here reading this beautiful writing on The Freq today.

rynobucket
Guest
rynobucket

That was… powerfully real.

shooten1st
Member
shooten1st

Very well written. I can taste the mud. When I’m going down the tunnel, I always try to think of funny quotes from my favorite movies. Doesn’t always work but sometimes it will stop the downward spiral of my sinking OODA loop. Here’s one of my favs. Lucky Day: In a way, each of us has an El Guapo to face. For some, shyness might be their El Guapo. For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo. For us, El Guapo is a big, dangerous man who wants to kill us. But as sure as my name… Read more »

georgehand
Member

“There is what is, and that’s it” I wish to purchase this line from you, Theo.
geo

GsGirl
Guest
GsGirl

Wow! Awesome, Sir!

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